As we celebrate International Women’s Day on March 8, there is a lot of talk about feminism and the empowerment of women. While it’s true that we’ve made progress in honouring the feminine in many ways, it’s the direction at times that concerns me, not the distance.
Many women still wake up each day feeling less than, too fat, too thin, too dark, too light, too strong, too weak, too much, not enough. Many still struggle with what the power of the feminine really means, and mistakenly adapt to a distorted image of what an empowered woman is. This might be reflected in aggression rather than assertion, competition with other women rather than genuine acceptance of ourselves, or a tooth and nail struggle to ‘get to the top’.
The media and the society around us still flog the image of a superwoman….one who looks young (no matter what age), is celebrity image sexy, thrives in a successful career, flourishes in an enviable marriage, and manages her delightful and equally successful children with ease. The result is a well kept secret that occasionally bursts out at the seams: We’re exhausted, we’re angry, and something inside of us knows that we are killing ourselves trying to perpetrate a myth.
On top of this there is the risk that we are using the language and imagery of the feminine to feed patterns of ambition and endless improvement. Women are told that not only should we be better, smarter, and richer, but that we should also find our inner goddess and radiate the spiritual earth mother. The illusion of perfection still dangles just out of reach like the golden ring on the carousel at a fairground.
The result is that women and girls are increasingly stressed, frequently uncertain of how to connect with their authenticity, and almost always unable to truly love and accept themselves as they are – to recognize and value their unique beauty.
Our daughters (and girls we may work and interact with) often model themselves after us, consciously or not. Our first responsibility to them is to do some serious self-inquiry about our own personal beliefs, the things that have shaped our values, and how we interact with others. A tall order and possibly a lifetime of work……but one thing is for sure. Young people do what you do, not what you say, and they learn by watching.
Assuming we ourselves are a work in progress, embracing the paradox of life in which both the light and dark are welcomed as essential dimensions of ourselves, and loving ourselves, there are a few things we can do to help the young women in our lives be strong and self caring.
- Let your daughter know you love her just as she is, for who she is. Listen to her opinions, notice the positive things she does, and pay more attention to how she thinks and behaves than to how she looks.
- Teach her how to problem solve and make informed decisions. Give her the opportunity to take part in decision-making processes that may affect her. This doesn’t mean ‘give in’ to her, but to share in respectful discussions and processes that help to develop her skills as well as build confidence in her self worth.
- Encourage friendships that are supportive and nourishing. Provide opportunities for her and her friends to work together cooperatively, and to experience the sense of satisfaction and pleasure that come from that.
- Allow her to own her emotions. She may disagree with you and become angry. This is a natural part of growing up and learning how to work with our emotions. The key is to respond, not react. We want our daughter’s to feel they have the right to express how they are feeling, and why, in a healthy, constructive way.
- Encourage her to take informed risks. Support her in trying new things. Help her learn what she can from each new experience. Provide her with opportunities to practice new skills.
- Laugh with her. Teach her that loving ourselves means being able to not always take ourselves too seriously. Show her that we can make mistakes, learn from them, and move on a little wiser.
- Let her know that being a woman is a beautiful thing. That femininity can mean strength, power and wisdom. That our bodies are magnificent works of art, no matter what size or shape, and that we all have unique qualities to be honoured.
Its not always easy, but the bottom line is the more we care for ourselves, respect ourselves, and feel accepting of all the parts of us that make us unique, the more we can offer, not only to our daughters, our nieces and all the girls in our lives, but to our community and the rest of the world.